Let’s talk about House Hunters. It’s everyone’s favorite HGTV show to watch. I’ll confess I love watching it when I stumble across it – mostly because I’m looking forward to the insanity of buying our first house in the near future. It’s fun to look at what kind of house money can buy in different markets, and how different people react to issues in home-buying. I know a good chunk of it is staged but I also believe a lot of the banter we see between the prospective home-buyers is real. And it makes me hate them. A lot.
Over the years I’ve compiled a mental list of all the absolutely ridiculous things people on House Hunters say when they are viewing homes for sale. What has years of watching the show taught me? That people in the US are pretentious jackbags. The preconceived notions of what a house absolutely needs in order to be worth buying – or what they think they absolutely must have – are past the point of obnoxious, especially when it’s echoed over and over from every couple or individual on the show. So let’s take a look at a few of the most common things I hear people say.
Granite countertops: Apparently, the only acceptable countertop is granite. If it’s not, then the house might as well burn down because it’s garbage. There are several options besides granite that make beautiful counters; marble, slate, and concrete to name a few.
Stainless steel appliances: Like granite countertops, if the kitchen appliances aren’t stainless steel then people want nothing to do with them. I agree stainless steel does look great but so many people on the show mark it as an absolute they ignore perfectly functional and quality appliances.
Open concept: In the past decade the open concept house has become a huge selling point. But when you’re looking at a house built in the 1980’s, it’s not going to have that because it is not how they built houses back then. So shut up. In some houses, a wall can be removed to get your open concept.
Not enough storage for our kids toys: Then you have too many toys for your kids. Get rid of some. So many times you see people drowning in seemingly thousands of baby and small kid’s toys. You don’t need a bigger house, you need less toys.
Room to entertain: Apparently everyone on House Hunters are such social butterflies they are constantly having parties where so many people come they absolutely need a giant kitchen, a giant living room, and a giant patio.
Bathroom too small: The secondary bathroom does not have to be the size of a small bedroom. It’s for using the toilet and maybe it’ll have a shower a guest uses. It’s supposed to be small.
Master bathroom too small: Apparently in order for an en-suite bathroom to be functional it must be at least 3/4 the size of the master bedroom. It must be large enough to fit at least 6 people simultaneously, and each person is doing cartwheels. I don’t understand what people do on a daily basis in the bathroom that requires it to be so enormous.
Master bathroom only has 1 sink: The way people talk about needing two sinks/vanities in the master bathroom you’d think it was a goddamn Cirque Du Soleil act getting ready in the morning. Really? It’s that hard? No. It’s not. My wife and I have been getting ready together in the morning for the past 7 years – in an apartment bathroom – and we have no issues. You alternate spits while brushing teeth, I shave while she does makeup. It’s not hard.
Master bedroom too small: A bedroom is for sleeping, and I guess getting dressed. The only excuse I’ll accept here is if they already own a king size bed and it literally wouldn’t fit with nightstands and some dressers. Otherwise, get over it. You only need room for those few pieces of furniture. You spend the least amount of time in it out of the entire day (don’t count sleeping because you’re not awake actively using the room). You literally walk around it putting on or taking off clothes, and that’s it.
Not enough closet space: Have less clothes. Or buy a wardrobe.
Not enough privacy/Neighbors too close: This one drives me CRAZY. They say things like “there’s not enough privacy,” or “I can see the neighbors house,” well…you’re buying a house in a neighborhood. What did you expect? This is perhaps the absolute dumbest thing people on House Hunters say. If you want privacy, or don’t want to see your neighbors house, or are concerned those neighbors are being creepers and constantly staring into your backyard, go live in the country where your closest neighbor is 2 miles away. Oh, but, then you aren’t only minutes from that hip downtown area! Drag.
People with budgets of $1,000,000 or more: I hate everything about you. You have so much money you can afford to fix anything and everything. Customization is your life. Also, stop complaining about going over budget – you’re millionaires, pretty sure you can afford it. Just have a house built to your specifications.
In the end, 99% of the issues people are upset about in their prospective houses are solvable with a little work, a small renovation, or a simple upgrade – or perhaps Americans getting over themselves and what they think they need.